Brenda – Trusting A Singing Heart

This is life. If you’re wondering what on earth I’m talking about, it’s C.A.Kobu’s  “A Year With Myself”. Try it – it has been freeing for me.

This week was a turning point in the process of responding to AYWM’s questions. It became clear that I need to do exactly that - spend a year with myself. This writing is mine. No worries about how it comes off, no worries about never having been a writer before, and no worries about self indulgence. I’m immersing myself in this process NOW and becoming a Brenda investigator.

What is my soul’s compass?

Considering my chosen paths, it’s too coincidental that a compass comes into the conversation. A compass, to me, is the thing that guides me home, the thing that brings me in safe, the thing that I can depend on when all other information is conflicting. On the ground, in blizzards at night with all spatial cues only leading to confusion – my compass has stood between me and disaster. In the air, in clouds or an endless landscape, that compass is never wrong. It’s there for the times when the other clues I’m getting don’t serve and has never failed to guide me in the “right” direction.

Last night I was driving home for the weekend and near the house (finally home!) I came into a big herd of buffalo. Buffalo on either side of the little road, with their funny red eyes in the dark. Big, beasty, elemental buffalo with no agenda. And my heart sang. I don’t know how else to describe it. My heart got that amazing little uplift that makes you want to sing and cry and laugh and shout out, “I’m alive!”

When I got to the house, the wind was blowing, the stars were OUT, and the world was dark; coyotes were singing and I could practically hear the sky. And my heart sang again. I laughed out loud. It was then I realized, these are parts of my soul’s compass! My soul’s compass is made up of all the things that make my heart sing. My soul’s compass is all the things that bring me back home, safe to myself – no wonder my heart was singing!

Brenda, you should listen to this because it’s important: these are the things that you need to depend on to follow the right course home. You should use them before it gets really necessary - use them before you really need them for safety. Think about letting them guide you home every day and even every moment rather than just when you’re desperate. Think about trusting them. Think about trusting them enough to bring you home to yourself. What could be wrong with that? What could be more right?

My soul’s compass - what makes my heart sing:

§         My dreams  

§         The land, the animals, the sky, the quiet, the dark
§         360 degrees of open  
§         My connection to spirit, that great mystery, but not a great mystery at all, the connection to the one who listens and sees me, the wonder of it
§         John, hanging with John, the man of John  
§         The kids, laughing with them, sharing their joys and sorrows, learning from them  
§         My tiospaye; listening around a sweat and realizing that this is my family and they love me for who I am, they find me funny - the hodgepodge family that has sprung up to greet me here; the family whose faces are my face
§         Learning
§         Blazing trails
§         New adventures
§         Analyzing, solving complex problems, difficult thinking
§         Creating
§         Estrogen (sad, but true, and soon to be gone - brace yourself)

Done ditty done. I believe I will print this and stick it up. Blog, be damned – there are no more rules.

Brenda's Three Words for the Coming Year

Yesterday I went up on the hill. I took my time getting there by a route I’d never taken before, one that would be foolish in the summer for all the rattlesnakes, but that has a singularly different view this time of year. A view of the home place. Buffalo, grass, the frozen creek, the house and barn, the orchard, the old schoolhouse, Harney Peak in the distance. Harney Peak is best known for being the tallest mountain in South Dakota, right up tight behind Mount Rushmore, but for me it is the mountain where Black Elk saw. 

I climbed to the top and sat below a tree, a prayer flag already tied there. I pray here, and each time I end my prayers and open my eyes, I’m amazed all over again at the beauty of coming back from wherever I went. I don’t think too much on it, just wonder. I’ve asked before where it is that I go when I’m praying and Everett’s answer is, “where do you think you go?” This is typical.

I started down, this time by a route I’m familiar with, one that often holds cat tracks. Lately there’s been a cat visiting our place; sometimes the horses get all fluffed up and run from one end of the pasture to the other with only the scent of the cat chasing them. He’s brave enough to cross between the shop and house while one of us is out working in the yard and he thumbs his nose at us with the scat he leaves behind.

So, I was aware of him on the hill with me as I started down. I was walking and thinking about how our family thinks of the cats as ghosts, when all of a sudden I got the sudden urge NOT to turn around.

What a backwards thought! Every nature sage will tell you, “let the cat know immediately you’re aware of it, make yourself big, back away, don’t run”. In direct opposition to everything I’d ever ingested about living with cats, I was getting the clear call to ignore him, and leave my back open for attack.

This was an almost impossible call to follow. I’m brave, I’m curious, I'm alive! I don’t ignore things that might threaten me. I meet life head-on. And yet, here I was, with a clear call, “don’t look back.”

So, I didn’t look back. I kept walking with a little smile in my heart and gratitude for the lessons I’ve learned here the last few years. Some that included not looking back as I headed into the spirit world. I knew if I trusted this call, there would be gifts.

Last night, my husband, John, was driving home from work and as he neared the house, his headlights caught the distinct glow of big animal eyes. He turned the truck to aim his lights down in the creek bottom and there he was, the big cat, the one who’s been taunting us, leaving his kill piles and scat behind. It’s the first time we’ve seen him, a moment to be thankful for, a simple gift from a ghost.

You might think my three words for the coming year are “don’t look back”. But, it’s more complicated than that. Sometimes we’re called to look back and sometimes we’re called to look forward. Always called, though, and then, even entreated to follow the call. 

It’s simple, and hard and wonderful - 2012 – Follow the Call.